I had a long talk with myself last night. The whole split-personality thing where inquisitive me was asking reluctant-to-share me why he was doing the things he does. And to be very specific, why if only a few years ago he proclaimed Miami to be the best … absolute best! … place he’d ever lived, would he be so casually flinging it aside to go elsewhere?
OK, for starters … yes there is a ‘reluctant-to-share’ me that lives in this world. Contrary to observations, I don’t always over-share everything. For instance, you don’t know about the …. well, I’ll save that for the end of the story. <evil grin>
When I moved from Virginia to South Florida, I did so because I had finally awoken to the realization that change was to be embraced. That fear was to be used and not hidden from. (PS, upcoming video next week called ‘The Time FEAR ALMOST KILLED ME …’, just sayin’). Anyhoo … I needed to transform. To allow myself to become something greater than I was. And it truly was one of the better decisions I had ever allowed myself to make. The friends, social activities, knowledge and learning that I found was so much more than I could have ever hoped for.
But like with many things, times change. And that Miami is no longer a part of my life. There has been this pull inside me, this as-yet stranger peeking around my corners. This future Rick Higgins who needs to have his chance at growth. It’s not that he is better than the current Rick, just a different future version. One who cannot exist without some change occuring. And I’m dying to meet this guy.
People congratulate me all the time for my “brave decision” to quit my job and travel around the world for a few years. And I smile and nod, but I never explain my why. And I want to do so now, because it’s a difficult concept that I’m still finding hard to put into words. And maybe by the time this post ends, I’ll even understand it myself.
For starters, this wasn’t a choice. There was no decision other than to stop being afraid. I’m not moving on to this next phase of ife, this next re-invention of self, because I want to. I simply have to. It’s not about what I like and dislike about my current situation, it’s about the inevitability of change. Just as a caterpillar has no choice but to cocoon itself and emerge as a butterfly, I cannot stop this from happening. Nor do I want to. The feeling inside me as I savor this delicious time inside my own cocoon, waiting for the new year and my new life, is intoxicating.
I have always been spoon-fed this notion that financial security was all that mattered. Maybe it was a father-son thing, but my dad always instilled the belief that having a solid safety net under you was the key to life. Some pretty horrible events later as an adult drove this home for me. And up until a few weeks ago, this was my only unbreakable mantra. That regardless of anything, financial security was paramount. Well I decided to break that. Because I discovered that there was an even greater and unbreakable thing out there.
Some of this decision was due to “I’m 60, if not now then when”. And even though what I’m doing sounds careless, my financial safety net will still be there, only with less years of protection. But what I discovered was that for life to have meaning for me, I needed to first find it. Experience it, everywhere. I could no longer live the existence of comfortable suburbia. That ignoring the pull of the unknown was going to be my damnation. And knowing that this is who I am and no longer denying it … and being willing to give up anything to find the real me … is all that matters. Otherwise I’m only living a partial life. Filled with what-ifs and unspoken regrets.
Will I miss Miami? Yea, but I already miss her. Today’s Miami isn’t what I found in 2014. It can’t be, nothing stays the same. It was a glorious time and I expanded so much because of the experience. But I can’t deny myself additional growth because I found something comfortable. For some people, I’m denying my nirvana. But for myself, I’m allowing what I desire most … constant exploration and life … to become my norm. And I cannot wait to see what the next iteration of Rick Higgins is going to know.