Hey, it’s me. Remember? Rick? Rick Higgins? Yea, that guy. I need to create a completely ironic post that talks about the very thing that I’m not doing anymore. So yea, it’s going to be one of those days. Hang on to something.
Every time I make a video or a blog post about a problem, issue, or concern I’ve had … I feel like that dude who finds new ways each and every day to be a victim. Like it’s more important to play the martyr card than to live a better life. Maybe it’s me overreacting, maybe it’s not. But it is the way I feel most times something leaves my mouth (or fingers). I see my father (and yes, here it comes, me playing ‘woe is me I hope life deals me better cards’) every time I lead off with something negative, instead of just living the life of a positive person. Which is actually the question … do positive people who live positive lives ever complain or look at negative things?
And the answer is … of course they do. No one is that sky high. But I honestly don’t know where the line is. When I’m vomiting out a post like this, I start off feeling like I’m balanced. I will be ending this with something positive and that’s what matters (or so I tell myself). But the very fact that I didn’t start the post with “something great happened today” also makes me think otherwise.
Regardless of how normal I am, I want to be normal-er. Not in what I create, but in how I think. I want to look at each moment first as an opportunity, then resolve problems, and finally wrap everything up in an upward fashion. This is who I want to be. Who I envision when I describe myself, even though I know it’s a long work in progress.
And yes Diary, I know that I should just accept who I am and love myself … and I do. Or at least I’m pretty neutral in my self-feelings. But self-improvement is also a worthy goal of self, right?
I got so pissed off yesterday because my grip on this was so tenuous. I was about to film a new video when multiple spam calls came in on my phone. I flew into a rage. My one moment for doing something I wanted was rudely interrupted. It rattled me so much that I kept flubbing lines, which just drove the rage higher. At one point I was actually yelling at the top of my lungs in anger and frustration. I scrapped an entire recording session and repeated it because I knew I wasn’t a good enough actor to not see that rage on camera. And since I haven’t edited the second recording session yet, I still don’t know if I managed to hide it there. But the point is … I had allowed myself ONE opportunity for something enjoyable and I let outside influences ruin my mindset. And thus I lost that opportunity. Perhaps it was because I only gave myself one. What would happen if every moment of every day started with a positive opportunity. If things go awry (and many always do) I wouldn’t be losing my one and only. (And yea, I know I’m planning here for the worst, but … shit, this is circular).
I want to restart how I start each day. With some moments of reflection, meditation, and positive outlook. I want to look at each moment as possibility. And I want to jettison my covid-mindset of hide-first-live-later. (Although to be honest, I had that mentality settle in way before covid). The Pivot is a huge opportunity to steer things in a different course. I just have to allow that transition to happen.