So, you want to be a really horrible traveler huh?  A truly unpleasant person.  Well I’m just the man to tell you how.

As you travel, you need to bring your culture with you and pound it into the hearts and minds of those you’re visiting.  After all, we didn’t rise up as the biggest super power in earth’s history to learn from others, right?  They learn from us!  And so today we present seven deadly things you need to adopt in order to show *them* what they need to become.

Oh, and if you didn’t get the overt sarcasm let me signal the sarcasm alarm for you.  BWOOP-BWOOP!  🙂

Seriously, the bottom line is don’t be a d***.  Forget about the fact that you’re a representative of a country and its culture.  Forget about everything except … just be kind.  And be a student.  Open your eyes and ear holes and absorb everything around you.  Some of it is going to be pretty interesting … but only if you dial down your own noise long enough to see it. 

Story/Script

Like pickpocket, tell people how to do the things they shouldn’t do.  Really, over-the-top how-to on the exact opposite of what folks should do when away from their usual world.  Like screaming English louder with rolling eyes in order to be understood.

So, you want to be a really horrible traveler huh?  A truly unpleasant person.  Well I’m just the man to tell you how.

(open)

Rick Higgins here and today I’m going to tell you EXACTLY how to improve your chances of being seen as the first-world most important traveler you think you need to be.

Each of these is quick and VO-only.  Semi split screens with titles and instructions plus b-boll.  It’s not so much a 7-step as it’s a quick pounding (and interesting) sequence.  Look into camera because some of it will be me.

  • Be sure and yell English louder until you are understood.  Wave your hands.  Stomp even.  It’s their fault they don’t speak your language.
  • Never try new food unless it comes from an American chain.  But if you have to, use ketchup.
  • Be sure and look American!  Clothing with the flag emblazoned on it is a nice touch.  And always look down on local customs, fashions, and standards. 
  • Speaking of clothing, feel free to wear as little as you like.  Show skin everywhere.  The rest of the world needs to catch up with American styles, and it’s up to you to help make it happen!
  • Eat your meals when you want to.  Six o’clock dinners should be the norm everywhere.  Along with big breakfasts.
  • Discuss local politics from the perspective of your country.  Establish your opinion right away and stick to it.  Compare their overall system … negatively … to yours.  And make sure that they understand you have so much more to teach them. 
  • And finally, be sure and ask every new person what they do for a living.  Look interested for a few minutes and then launch into how great your career is.  People in other countries LOVE to hear about American success stories.  They wish they had the capitalistic chops that you do, so be sure and show them yours.

Glitch.  Silence, uncomfortable.  Stare into the camera, look at the script, roll eyes. 

RIFF:  What exactly should happen.  Same list but with the correct intonations.  Again, quick, it’s not pounding all seven details as much as laying on of hands and encouraging.

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