The other day I had a great conversation with myself. It would be nice to remember it, so … here goes.
I have always based my happiness on others. Meaning, and here’s an example, if I wanted to travel to Youripistan then I had to make sure that (a) someone wanted to travel with me, (b) they were fully on-board with the plan, and (c) they continually showed enough enthusiasm so that I had a positive feedback loop. If any of those three things didn’t happen, Youripistan wasn’t going to happen. I have always been so concerned with other people’s feelings that I would (will) let the things I want drop off the side of the table.
A more detailed example. This trip. This … pivot. Where I take a year off and wander the world, seeing if I can become a content creator. I’m obsessed with making sure Nikki is a, b, and c above. And if I don’t see a lot of ‘c’, then I’m going to say fuck it. And that was the discussion within my head.
This needs to stop. It’s unhealthy for me and those around me. I’m afraid to get excited about the trip because if I talk openly (and often) about it with Nikki, she might get other ideas and decide to change plans. How fucked up is that? That I’m going to keep my emotions in check out of fear of having to face potential change?
The bottom line for the adventure is that it’s more important to me than anything else I’ve ever attempted. I have no other option than to do this. It’s worth anything and everything. But the larger picture is … the whole point of the journey is to reset my life. And that starts with having enough self-respect and self-love that I push for and enjoy the things that are important to me. I simply cannot manage other people’s needs and emotions. I can make sure I don’t hurt others, and that I help as much as I can. But in the end, I can only manage myself.
So Rick … allow yourself to get excited. To talk and share. Be OK with standing your ground against anything that might take away from your deepest needs. Don’t be afraid to say you’re worth it. You did it once in 2014 and that first step was the greatest thing you could have done. This next step will be better!