The reason I created this section (Personal journal) was to document what was happening in my mind as I switched from being a wage slave in Miami to a Content Creator everywhere. My feelings, fears, joys, etc. It’s turned out to be a bitch session. But it didn’t stop there. Yesterday I was feeling so emotionally and mentally dark that I decided to create a new playlist/theme on the YouTube channel called After Hours. It was going to be videos purely aimed at slamming the assholes of the world. I even justified the pros and cons:

This can help the channel by:

  • Giving a concrete example of who I am.  My emotions.  Unblemished by related stories or visual kitsch.  
  • Uniting many of the blog posts I do with a form of video.
  • Provide a new experiment which is loosely connected to the channel, but is in a very different format.

This can hurt the channel by:

  • Polarizing the audience and pushing away those who disagree with my progressive stances.
    • Counter: If someone is offended by my words, they are more than likely going to stay, because offended people like to argue and push back.  All advertising is good advertising, right?
  • Moving away from travel and life-examples.  Confusing the niche.
    • Counter: Using experience to address current life is part of the niche.
  • Confusing YouTube and screwing with the algorithms ability to promote me.
    • Counter: YouTube is more and more video based, not channel/subscription-based.  An after hours offering won’t affect a travel one.  That’s the viewer experience and if they choose to subscribe.
  • Limiting monetization options on all videos by polarizing the sponsors.
    • Counter: Monetization is going to be a minor income flow, and these simply won’t get sponsored.  I won’t even try to sponsor them.  As far as ad revenue, I’m not going to be overly abrasive or polarizing, so it shouldn’t have a major impact.

So as I went about my business yesterday, I was all set to make a video about healthcare idiocy:

“Normally I like to encourage and lead by example.  Today … I feel like throwing rocks.  Throwing them at some pretty greedy assh…”

Followed by something like:

“Nope, this isn’t a travel video, or even a motivational look-at-me-I’m-living-the life-as-your-example offering.  It’s a rant.  A gripe session.  A complaint farm.  This is about those who profit off our very lives.  And I’m frankly sick and tired of it.  It’s a huge reason why I want to live abroad.  And I need apologize in advance, because I might just be throwing some stones at you too.”

Three minute diatribe about my mammogram, healthcare costs, insurance limitations.  Politicians who are fed by donations from the greedy and wealthy.  And the great unwashed who buy into their pitch, because they want to be in a tribe of winners.  Even if that tribe cares nothing for them.  Hope springs eternal, I guess.  Maybe they’ll actually accept you as equals one day.

Wrap up with something’s gotta change.  I can afford to seek alternatives, and I feel a little guilty about that.  Most folks can’t.  We need to fix this because we’re all worth it.

Pretty dark shit, right?

But last night … and I’m not going to go into the specifics … I realized that I was fighting something more than just how to improve my channel. I was fighting myself. You see, I have a living example of someone who once was joyful, positive, and eager to live the live he loved. And as he aged, he stopped. Became a scared and irritable old man. And guess what I’m doing?

This idea of an After Hours channel comes and goes, and it seems to cycle with my mind fighting against the notion of being positive and living a forward-looking life. My way of being a conservative fighting progressive change. I wrote this when I woke up this morning:

I already allow the blog to be heading in this direction, which I also need to reconsider.  I just thought of writing this as a story there, and I don’t see it fitting in on the blog either.  I don’t like the dark place.  I don’t like the personal journal being filled with negativity either.

I started this Personal Journal blog category to document my journey, not to self-analyze myself. And yet, that’s exactly what I’m doing this very minute. And if I were to continue, both here and on the channel, I honestly think it would sell. Negativity always does. I could indeed become successful quicker going that route, that I’m sure of. But at what cost? Becoming someone I don’t want to be?

If … and that’s a big if … I were to start an After Hours blog, channel, playlist, whatever … it would have to be on the positive side. Something about sex and cigars. And whisky. Happy Irish drinking and laughing kind of thing. And just by saying that, I don’t want to invest the time in it. Because I’m fighting the notion to hedge my bets. I seem to think that the main channel and niche is going to never take off, so I had better start complaining now. Everything with an opposite, just in case. And that just can’t happen. If one day I do decide to do AH (After Hours), then it’s going to be because it’s a great and wondrous super-adult offering.

As far as the blogs and personal journal … no mas. I can fight my inner demons in private. This is a place to educate, motivate, and celebrate. Because deep inside that’s the life I expect to live. And as I always say, you get what you look for. It’s time to start looking forward.

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